Marriage is an institution of intimate union and equal partnership between a man and a woman. Truthfully, nobody goes into a marriage expecting a divorce, not even in the context of Africa where people spend irrationally on their weddings. Nobody would spend a dime or walk down the aisle knowing their marriage wasn’t going to work in the first place.
However, marital problems are something every couple faces. Most people don’t realise their marriage are failing until divorce. But serious marriage problems do not happen overnight, they come with signs- mostly caused by the action and inactions of the couple. Some couple may be ignorant of these signs, ignore the signs, or even refuse to fix the problems. Whatever the case, going through marital challenges could be a very painful, frustrating and traumatising experience.
Therefore, it is important to know the signs, actions or inactions that potentially ruin marriages and fix them before things get worse. Believe it or not, knowing that your marriage is on the verge of collapsing is a positive strength. Once you recognize the problems, the next stage is to take proper steps to fix them.
Let’s discuss some little things that men do (can) ruin their marriage.
Letting anger get the best of you
We all know what anger is, because every one of us become angry sometimes; whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a human emotion which is completely normal and usually healthy. However when it properly not controlled, it turns to be destructive and leads to many problems; at work, in your personal relationships, and overall affect your quality of life.
Although anger is part of our human nature, it does not imply that it is safe, beneficial or necessary, especially when it comes to marriage. When two imperfect people are put in close quarters with each other, surely, there will be times you hurt each other. It’s just like two blind people learning to dance with each other – you’re certainly going to step on each other’s toes. Same is marriage. Arguing and fighting with each other is normal. However, issue are best resolved when the characters stop fighting and start working together collectedly.
In psychology, it is a known fact that anger does not disappear because you choose to “let it out” or act on it. Women can be very provocative sometimes, especially during menstruation, pregnancy and lactating periods. In such times don’t be too passive or extremely aggressive on her. Don’t say, “Nothing is wrong” when obviously everything wrong. Don’t make her guess why you’re angry- talk to her about it.
Communication is the first step towards healing. Take responsibility for your role in the mess and it will be easier for her to own up to her part. Talk through issues right away. Don’t get on social media or get your friends together and complain about your spouse. That’s toxic. When your wife wrongs you, it’s an opportunity for you to offer grace, not permission for you to make a bad choice in return. Be quick to forgive. Grace creates a healthy marriage. The more you let anger get the best of you, the more likely the situation will deteriorate. With a calm mind, you can be able to resolve whatever problem in the least aggressive and most beneficial way possible.
Life inevitably complicates and becomes difficult. Do not allow life to get the better of you. Instead, respond in the best way possible by not acting out of anger.
Never Saying “I’m Sorry.”
All marriages have arguments, misunderstands and petty fights. But unfortunately, it’s becoming a common norm in our society for men not to apologize. For many men, the truth is, they don’t know how to say sorry.
Some men simply do not like to be wrong. To them, admitting to be wrong or mistake, means less competent, less intelligent, vulnerable and weak. They believe asking for forgiveness is an admission of guilt. Some men would rather be rude and not apologize even though deep down inside, they know they are wrong. Such men are much worried about their pride than their partner’s feelings.
Dear men, it is very archaic to think that “I’m sorry” means vulnerability or weakness. When your wife accuse you of something wrong, take a breath and try to actually listen her frustrations. It might be very difficult to apologize sometimes, but putting up a defensive wall could ruin your marriage. Forget about your image or perception. Saying sorry to your wife doesn’t make you weak in front of her, it actually makes you her hero, asking for her forgiveness is a sign of weakness. Rather, it increases her respect for you.
Better still, if you can’t apologise in words try to show your remorse in deeds. Buy her beautiful gifts; like jewelry, chocolates or other offerings enough to show how sorry you. Interestingly, women very smart creatures, she will definitely know her man is apologizing even when there were no words spoken. Apologies have an amazing power to validate feelings, heal rifts, eliminate grudges, and generate forgiveness.
The Silent treatment
Silent treatment is when a person in a relationship ignores or refuses to verbally acknowledge other person. Basically, it evolves actions such as: distancing yourself from someone, refusing to speak to them, pretending they don’t exist, not acknowledging what they say, or avoiding their company as if they were contagious, invisible or invalid. This habitually happens after an intensive argument or misunderstanding, nevertheless it also happens when the silent partner is angry and the other person doesn’t know why.
These types of behaviors to a very large extent, are harmful to every relationship. Silent treatment demonstrate immaturity, meanness, and a lack of emotional intelligence. Being on the receiving end is painful, frustrating and can have serious emotional consequences; like stress, trauma and depression. They also feel anger, fear, and guilt.
Silent treatment is one of the worst things to do in a marriage. Ignoring someone is indirectly similar to condemning, accusing or pointing the finger at them. Don’t confuse silent treatment with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange. If you’ve had a fight with your partner, you should discuss though with them instead of distancing and being unresponsive.
Communication is the bedrock of every relationship. Distance begins to grow immediately two couples stop talking to each other, and there comes a point when your partner becomes a stranger to you. Silent treatment is purely physical and emotional abuse, there is no shouting or hitting, but there is plenty of violence, and not be allowed to breed.
Emotional intimacy is very important to keep your marriage going, and it can only be sustained if you able to create a soul to soul connection with your partner
Being overly Judgmental
Human beings are always judgmental. We consciously or unconsciously judge others based on their habits, appearance, mannerism and other superficial things.
Though it’s normal to judge or criticise your partner regarding certain aspects or issues, however being in a healthy relationship is all about learning to accept your woman the way she is. Women are naturally very sensitive people. Sometimes when they are confronted with problems or challenges, they just want someone to listen to them. Not to necessarily provide answers or solutions, but to be with them through the rough times until they find s good solution.
Women just like men are not perfect. However, they are constantly judged a lot more than men for being too fat, too thin, too tall or too short. Marriage is all about compromise; though we all have our insecurities and fear, it has more to do with loving another person unconditionally.
If you know you won’t be able to deal with her past relationships and sexual experiences, refrain from having that conversation. Most importantly, if she opens up to you about how many men she has been with; don’t hold that information against her. Don’t even make the mistake of comparing yourself to her ex-boyfriends and asking her if they were better in bed. In any case, before you met her, you had your own string of unsuccessful relationships and meaningless flings.
More so, if she has a demanding job that requires her to work till late in the night, it is your responsibility to help her find a more flexible job or be supportive of her career goals. Many men are uncomfortable with the fact that their partner has to work late night shifts and our society is quick to judge women who come home late every night. Just because she comes home late, doesn’t mean she is having affair.
Once you begin to be judgmental and critical of your wife, then it is only a matter of time for resentment and other negative emotions to set in. Wonderful things will happen when you offer your partner acceptance and attention, rather than criticism and judgment. What might happen if we simply respected our partner’s right to think what they think and feel how they feel
“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy
Let us start with scriptures, husbands are supposed to be the head of the house. Husband and wife are essentially the two basic pillars of a family; nevertheless since men are bestowed with special qualities by the order of creation, they are regarded as the guardians of their families. A husband is to love his wife above all other human beings, provide for the children’s education and health and also ensure that the family is well taken care of economically, emotionally and spiritually.
However, some men are becoming so irresponsible; all they do is to get drunk, engaged in extra-marital affairs and/or distance himself from the welfare of their families. Some return home late, shamefully battle for the little food struggled to put on table by their wives, then hurl insults at her – especially if/when she inquire to know where he had been or asked him money for food.
Men must know that being a husband and a father are perhaps the two most important roles to ever bless with in your life, so it’s completely normal to want to put your best foot forward. Therefore, being a husband requires you to establish a close and loving relationship with your family, place the great importance on their welfare and try to understand and uphold a life-long commitment of love and fidelity to the wife and family.
A man has to works hard to provide for economic and financial support to the family, regardless of the circumstances. Moreover, he has to recognize the beauty of his wife, respect her and honour her femininity. This will encourage her to reciprocate equal respect for you.
Above all, establish strong faith with God. A man who has strong faith in God will surely be great husband. A God-fearing man will always learn to value and uphold the vows made to others, and in particularly, his wife. He will always value the importance of marriage as an institution of God and his faith will always underline the steps he takes to keeping the marriage stable. Finally, a God fearing husband will make sure that good morals form the foundation of the family..